New Year's resolutions for the feline

• My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I will be at peace with that.

  
  

• I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

  
  

• I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

  
  

• I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

  
  

• I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

  
  

• I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

  
  

• If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

  
  

• I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

  
  

• Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

  
  

• When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

  
  

• I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITES!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

  
  

• I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.